The Nurtured Parent Blog

It’s the last days of February and I want to capture a little leftover Valentine’s day energy and focus on those partner relationships we have in our lives. When I posted my last blog, I received a reply that said “it’s a shame that it is not happening more oftent than one day a year”. I completely agree, we can be showing each other how much we love and respect each other throughout the year. Therefore, this blog is going to cover carrying the romance and love of Valentine’s day into the rest of the year.

I’ve been  collecting stories of how people celebrated Valentine’s Day and how they are taking it into the year.  The first story that caught my eye was someone who’s husband had recently gotten her a new engagement ring and with it he said “I plan to woo you throughout the year”. (Yes, “woo” is a word and I loved it because it captures the notions of romance and frequency). Although the ring was gorgeous, it was the thought and the plan to continue to love his wife that really caught her heart.   Little things at moments when she’s not expecting it make the biggest impression on her.  Another friend got his wife an entire year of monthly “romantic dinner and a movie” date nights.  Again, a promise to “court” her throughout the year.  Recapturing that original feeling of romance and intimacy can reignite love and passion of a relationship.  These are examples of what men did to show their love for their wives.  Women showed their love in different ways. One friend told her husband how important he was to her and what qualities in him improved her life. She showed him respect and admiration for his hard work and made a commitment to continue respecting the valuable addition to her life that he is.  Another friend said that the most romantic thing to him was having a woman show genuine interest in him.  Showing him how much she wanted to get to know him in a world where everyone is usually competing for attention.

I’ve run across several very interesting organizations that help couples with conflict in their relationship and both discuss the need for respect and love between partners.  Dr. John Gottman says that when we try to connect with someone, it is like we are turning toward them. We are interested in them, who they are and what they have to say. There is a group called “Love and Respect” that has researched and found that during a conflict men most often feel disrespected and women feel unloved.  I was intrigued when I found this information because in the stories above, you can see that what connected women to their spouses was an act of love and interest in her; and what connected men was a demonstration of respect and admiration for who they are and what they have done.  They agree that we all need love and respect equally but have noticed that in conflict, differences arise.

There are a lot of things that go into making it work. As Love and Respect says “it’s as simple and as complex as that”. Learning about your partner, their interests, their love languages, and more is a part of that process.  Dr. Gottman says that we have Love Maps and they are a part of the brain that we dedicate to knowing little details about our significant other. Things like who is their best friend, what do they like to do and what are their favorite foods.  These things change over time as well, so it’s important to make time to reconnect and continue to learn what is new and current with each other.  Below you will find a list of resources that can take you further in the journey towards a loving relationship.

Finally, I have to tell you one more loving story. This week, one man took his wife to the high school play in their town. She was delighted. Why was this so important to her?  Because their first date (years before) had been going to the high school play of that very town.  Remembering the special moments = priceless!

Check these out (click on the name to go to the site):

Gottman Institute

Respect and Love Ministries

Real Families/ Real Answers

Valentine’s Day is upon us next week (this coming Monday for those of you who are oblivious to it).  For this special holiday, I would like to dedicate this blog post to the romance of it all. If you look at the hierarchy of needs, our significant partner relationships fall into three of the five categories (basic needs, safety of the family, and belonging).  Therefore, a “nurtured parent” has a nurtured romantic relationship. And when I say romance, I include that “get lost in your eyes, take my breath away feeling”.  

Recently, someone said to me “it’s about the whole package, the experience of it” in relation to Valentine’s Day and it got me to thinking about how we experience things in their entirety. Interestingly, there is sensuality to our five senses if you experience them to their fullest. Slowing down and smelling the roses sounds cliché, but it is based in an understanding that when we slow our pace down and really open ourselves up to the moment, everything becomes richer.  For example, when you bite into the chocolate you receive (even if it is a last minute grocery store purchase), notice the rich color and smooth surface of it, close your eyes and breathe in its scent, let the taste linger on your tongue. Or if you receive flowers, sit down, look at their color and how it changes in the light, smell them closing your eyes to take in the scent, feel the softness of the petals (especially roses).   If you are having a date night, push all other things away from your mind for the moment, and look into the eyes of your love and drink in the moment. Magic will often follow .

So this Valentine’s day, I challenge you to use all of your senses in your experience of the holiday and the gifts it brings.  May cupids arrow hit you!

I made a parenting resolution this year and after a couple of weeks have had to re-evaluate the merit of that resolution. Based on the ages and stages of my children, it’s not a suitable goal to have. They can’t possibly meet the expectations needed to make the goal a reality. This is often one of the hard lessons we learn when we look to the new year with stars (and fireworks) in our eyes and think “I can make it all perfect this year! All I have to do is …”.  Then reality sets in. It isn’t just that changing strongly held habits takes a lot of perseverance and practice. Many factors play into how realistic our goals are for ourselves.  We have to consider what outside influences are involved in making that goal a reality. And then realizing it is okay to fine tune our resolutions as the year progresses is a good idea. Whether it’s changing a nuance or a perspective on it or chucking it all together, it is progress. So this year, I’m chucking the original resolution and replacing it with a more realistic one. How about you?

Happy New Year!

It’s a time of resolutions, where we make promises to ourselves and those around us to do a better job in this new and fresh year; a blank slate where we can start anew. While you are making your New Year’s Resolutions,
consider making one regarding parenting.  As parents, we all have our moments and we all have those little (or big) things we would like to see change in our life as parents.  Implementing those changes is more difficult.

While considering this dilemma, it became apparent that a system is needed to bring the idea of a resolution to reality. A process of steps developed and this has created the new program that The Nurtured Parent is presenting today.

Today you can sign up for a 10 week program that is designed to help you make your resolution a reality. The program includes 10 emails over 10 weeks for just $10.99. Each week you will get an email with an exercise that helps with each step toward following through with your resolution. It will also include parenting tips and ideas. The program starts Jan 31st, 2011.

If you want to learn more, click here.

Here’s to a wonderful New Year! May 2011 bring much success in your journey towards nurtured parenting!

Stress: Portrait of a Killer (a documentary)

Learn about it at:  http://killerstress.stanford.edu/; watch interview at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtjU0-dOTLM (note, this interview is somewhat satirical – humor reduces stress).

This movie touches on what stress does to us physically. Some of what we know it does includes increasing blood pressure to unhealthy levels, creating bad fats and depositing them in the arteries, creating conditions where bacteria thrive (which is what creates ulcers), and even killing off brain cells. Those people in society who experience higher levels of stress (and oppression, which leads to stress), have more health problems and serious illness. And those that experience the highest level of stressors are those in lower ranking jobs.  The movie goes into much greater detail of what stress does to our bodies. The lead scientist, Robert Sapolsky, has been researching it for 30 years and has won awards for his work.

A fascinating piece of his research is with the baboon tribal cultures (which he has noted mimic human cultures). They are very hierarchical and aggressive, except for one group. One year, all of the top ranking males were killed off by disease, leaving only lower ranking males. What developed was a culture of cooperation and equality and significantly lowered stress levels for everyone. When new baboons joined the group from other tribes and tried their learned aggressive tendencies, they were quickly taught “that is not how we do things here”.  Now here’s the question, how do we get to that place without having to take out those at the top? Is it possible? Developing a solution to create a better cultural society where there are no hierarchies that create power imbalances is the best solution to the problems of stress. In the mean time, there are some great ideas for how to reduce as much stress as you can. First, let’s digest the reality of what we are doing to ourselves.

Another fascinating piece is how much our own perspective and social networking play into the increase of stress and the reduction of stress. He talks alot about how the original make up of the stress response was for literally saving our life, but that now we find that we perceive psychosocial stressors as life threatening. Having a few good friends helps reduce the effects of stress in different ways. So make sure that you have those  supportive people around you with whom you can cry, laugh and “groom”.

Another great interview with Dr. Sapolsky from NIMH: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-3qqJhSetc&NR=1

As you read through these, don’t let it overwhelm you. This is an ongoing journey, not an overnight fix. Pick one of these tips to add until it is habit or comfortable, then add another. The important thing is not to overwhelm yourself. Take things on in small steps.

Sit on the floor with your children once a day

It can be for as little as 15 minutes. In the hustle and bustle of the day, how often do you stop and connect with your children? It can be easy to think that you are, but just because you are present or in the same room with someone doesn’t mean you are connecting. Too often the attention is divided between our children and other tasks. If you take a short chunk of time to sit down with them, you may be surprised at how much you will connect. You can talk, play a game, or just cuddle (follow their lead).

Organize one part of your house or aspect of your life per month

It might be what you do with the mail when you bring it in the house, or where you put the diaper wipes and pacifiers.  Or, it might be that you finally write down on your calendar all of the birthdays of family and friends (Facebook doesn’t always tell you!). Having systems for things in your house frees up time that you would spend looking for things. Wouldn’t you rather spend that time doing something you enjoy? (check out this website for more on getting organized: www.flylady.com) 

Make at least one meal per week completely with all natural items

By all natural, we don’t necessarily mean organic. We mean not processed. (That means no Hamburger Helper, Rice a Roni, etc). Why all natural, you may ask? Because your body needs good food to fuel it! Here’s a healthy foods grocery list that can set you on the right track: http://nutrition.about.com/library/ngrocery_list.htm.   Also, be sure to drink plenty of water. Our rule of thumb is to have 1 glass of water for every coffee/soda or other caffeinated beverage.  

Slow down!

Allow extra time to get things done. You can’t rush out of the house in two minutes anymore. Can you grab car keys, sunglasses, purse/wallet and go?  Not anymore. Where are the wipes? Is a bottle or sippy cup ready? “Oh no, don’t take your clothes off again!”  “Shoot, did you really just poop your diaper?”.  Now, you need at least 15 minutes to get out of the door, maybe more. One way to get a glimpse at the pace you need, take a walk with your two year old letting them lead. 

Learn/try a new parenting skill once a week (or revive an old one)

When it comes to parenting children, there isn’t always one strategy that works for every child. Sometimes one strategy will work well, but not another. Not sure where to start? Check out the recommended reading list we posted and come back again (we will continue to have articles and resources on parenting).

Ask for help at least once a month

For many reasons, this is a good idea. First, it helps you to manage an overwhelming task. Most of the time, those mothers who appear to be doing well have help of some kind. Their support systems are healthy with family and friends who come by and listen to them, watch the kids, fix a meal, fold some laundry. We are not supposed to do this on our own, even though our individualist culture would like us to think the opposite. It takes a village is repeated often because it is true! Giving others the opportunity to be helpful is another way to look at it (see below).

Offer help to someone at least once a month

Studies show that helping others is associated with greater feelings of subjective well-being, vitality, and self-esteem, for both the helper and the recipient (Weinstein & Ryan, 2010). It’s important that it be things you truly love to do or are easy to add to your list of things to do. For example, doubling the size of a recipe to bring half to a friend is easier than creating two separate meals. Swapping tasks is also a great way to help each other… maybe you like laundry and your friend likes doing dishes, or one can comfortably care for the children while the other gets something done.

Move around

Can’t go to the gym? No big deal! Do anything active that you truly enjoy. Go for a walk, dance to music, kick a soccer ball around, or play fetch with your dog. If you get bored, try something new! If you focus on doing physical activities that you find fun, it will seem like less of a chore. The following link from the Mayo Clinic website lists 7 benefits of regular physical exercise: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/exercise/HQ01676.

Create family rituals

Examples include a game night, movie night, hike or park day, and “what are we thankful for today?” talks at dinner. These kinds of rituals promote feelings of togetherness, fun, and belonging. One family known to this blogger discusses one good thing about their day and one not so good thing. It is a way for them to help one another and themselves.

Pat yourself on the back

Remember something that you did well each day. Write it down if you can and collect them in a box. When you are feeling particularly low, open the box and read them. Then, pat someone else on the back-give an honest, sincere compliment for something they did recently (preferably about their parenting).

 *Weinstein, N., & Ryan, R. (2010). When helping helps: Autonomous motivation for prosocial behavior and its influence on well-being for the helper and recipient. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(2), 222-244.

Studies have shown that increased stress levels in parents increases the emotional and behavioral disturbances of children. In turn, this increases the parent’s mental health problems.
There are many avenues through which parents can be nurtured. These range from physically meeting the needs of parents to exploring disciplinary options with children, from mental health awareness to environmental stress loads, etc. The factors that can improve a parent’s personal knowledge, and therefore enhance their parenting skills and experience, are numerous. Social policy, cultural views, the actions of the community, family and friends, and the parents themselves all influence how well a parent is taken care of and in turn how well their child is nurtured.

Meagan Francis, author of the blog The Happiest Mom, created a Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs. It is based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and helps us examine what mothers (and parents) need in order to function and grow as they parent.

PhD in Parenting blog has followed up by creating a Child’s Hierarchy of Needs. As the blog states, “children are wholly dependent on others to provide their needs, at least initially”. Therefore, the various needs being managed by parents on a daily basis are vast.

 The well-known African phrase, “it takes a village to raise a child” is very evident here. We are all players in the care of the children in our communities. As parents, as extended family members, as friends and neighbors, as churches and clubs, and as citizens, we have the power to improve children’s lives. And based on the research, this will cycle in a positive direction. Happy healthy parents and communities create happy healthy children, in turn reinforcing happy and healthy adults.
I dedicate this blog to discussing the different topics that will make a difference in the experiences of parents, including: parenting tips, nurturing ourselves and each other, community involvement and social policy.
We would like to hear from you: What do you think nurtures parents?

References for studies on mental health:
Family Stress Affects Kids Physical Health By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on March 7, 2007
It’s All In the Family: Mental Health Link Between Parents and Children Washington Kids Count. Family Matters: Mental Health of Children and Parents,